The question

14 June Friday 

No, father, I will not marry. At least not yet. 

I racked my brain last night in search for answer to a question that my father suddenly popped out to my face.

“What’s you’re plan, you two?”

“Two, who?”   

 “You and Vien.”

 Shocked and abhorred I responded irately, “What plan?! No plan. I’m not planning anything. Do you want me to marry now?! I’m still schooling!”

“Not like that. But, you can’t be just like this.”

“This” meaning, going along, together, almost every time; sleeping over most weekends; travelling alone together— I know. I understand. We really can’t be just like this forever.

But really, I have no plan. None as yet. This, though, I and—I assume–Vien too, enjoy playing wed-couple most of the time—waking up at dawn, preparing each other’s lunch, bringing me to school or work, assisting each other’s family affairs, lending money from each other, buying (personal) things for each other or what not.

I could not understand my reaction. I went all cold and panicky. Irated, actually. I understand where my father is coming from. It is innate, at least to every regular father like mine, to care for and if possible secure a future for his child.   I am paranoid he was urged by my siblings to ask me that question;  that they could be talking among themselves about me and Vien and yes, more certainly, our sleepovers at home—because that’s what I do with them. But usually, it is I who would initiate such kind of conversation and they are not like me: judgmental, opinionated. And I suppose, there is no reason for them not to directly ask me. I am paranoid my father just want to get me off his skin so he could remarry without the last child’s backlash and peeves.  

 

I’m turning ONLY 23 this year. Vien’s turning 27. I’m too young. I’m not ready. I think.

This past week, I spent most of my hours reading, retooling for school. I’m planning to “move up” from schooling. I want to transfer to better school. Though I must admit my future plan is not well laid out. I’m not so sure yet with what to do with my life. Now here’s a bugling question that pressed on my rather vague vision of the future breakneck fast—pictures after pictures: I at home alone with Vien working. I, alone at home with baby belly. I, alone, all worn out, untidy in a shanty, waiting for Vien to be home, starving, unhappy, with a baby. Exaggerated as it is maybe, but I’d rather be over thinking than thoughtless.

Posterity is important, I know. But can I be allowed to live my NOW, first?

I want to study (MORE). I want to work in better workplace. I want to have better career, meet more people, go to places, earn more, have savings, among others. I want to live my life fast phase without needing to worry on matters like babies, diapers, rent, bills, laundry.  

  

Although I am happy with how things are going with me and Vien, I believe we are not at all steady— emotional, physical, financial, psychological and more importantly, spiritual.

I remember asking, in one of my note about my sister marrying at 30, this question: "why would anyone would want to swim in a rumbling sea, rather than stay at a stable pond?"

My life, as I would often believe, is stable, relatively comfortable. I'm having fun—free from all  responsibility that any wed-lady is up to face.  

I hope my belligerent response convinced my father that I have a plan. And it’s not marrying at 23.




* Same morning as i write this entry, i discuss with Vien 'the question'. His response? As expected.