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Lumps in my throat

I cannot choke, no I can’t.

Black clouds squeeze my head, crush my bones to powder

until my sweet purple thoughts slip away in a glitter.

In this endless cycle that would not stop, you could not stop

You will lose faith, break a heart and fall apart to pieces

Make bile and curse, your sweetest repose

Do not putter, do not fight

This might last forever, just remember there was never a forever

Add a thought to the words

To make a “long mile” a smile

Do not run fast as life is never a race but a road to walk through and stroll by

Let life run its own time, until time serves you a lifetime. 

Butterfly Angels

This morning, I woke up with a butterfly on my head. I felt it moved and fluttered its tiny wings, near my shoulder down to my elbows and wrist. I thought it was a figment of my aftersleep until I pulled myself away from bed and found, up on my one elbow that little piece of its tiny wings—black with white lines painted in circles and broken oval shapes, and some more dots of white in its very tip.

The day I finally returned to school after we buried mom, two brown butterflies came tailing me as I walked out the street. They were there, fluttering at arms reach, waist-high, beside me, until I was able to cross the road and board a ride. In Chinese culture, two butterflies flying together symbolize love. At that time, when the hardest thing to do is to wake up realizing that she is gone, mama could have just made her way to make me feel she’s staying. Or at least her love is. I know, it was her. Daunted by my past experiences in streets, mama would not allow that I’d be walking out the streets alone even on broad daylight. The butterflies were a proof. 

My sister told us, another butterfly wandered their office the day she resumed working days after the funeral. “She must be watching me over as I work,” she said.

In Japan a butterfly is seen as a personification of a person’s soul. A Japanese superstition even says that when a butterfly enters your guestroom and “perches behind the bamboo screen, the person whom you most love is coming to see you”.  This is echoed by the Greeks whose word for “butterfly” could mean soul, in Russia it could mean a “woman”. In my own parlance, Butterflies are friends and angels. They bring to me my mom’s presence every time I feel hapless.

The Question UPDATE

Our conversation: 

Sana po hindi ka ma-offend or ano man.  Pero yan talaga in all honesty ang naiisip ko...

So, what do you want me to feel then? Happy? Delighted?  Relieved because I will bear no responsibility?

Kung ikaw yung tinanong ni Papa, what would you say? How would you feel? Ano bang naiisip mo ngayon?

I can't think clearly after reading that.

Me either.  You're bothered?

Definitely!

Yun nga...

… and disappointed

I know. But let us face this together. Okay?

I dont know what to say to you. I’m sorry I really don’t.

Let us think this over. Okay?  Wag ka pong pangunahan ng inis. We can get through this...

Di ako naiinis. I’m disappointed. I’m not mad. It’s  your opinion and it is your life, in the first place.  You are free to do anything you want with it.

Hindi kita naiintindihan. Which part were you offended? That I have no plan (for us)? That I don't want to marry YET? That I don't trust you can pull off a good life for US?

I know what I will tell him. And I will tell him my plans… your reaction, obviously hysterical, isn't something I expected from you. If I were asked by my father...  I will open what my heart feels.. and what's in my mind… In your case... you told him is what you really feel and [what] you really think… Instead of beating around the bush… I will answer yes, I do. I have a plan to marry her. To be honest, I don't have any idea of being with a different girl in my life. When? I would probably say soon. Of course, we need to talk about it before I tell the date.

Now, the most compelling question is probably, do you really want to have a family with me?

After all the thinking and probably reading along the lines, I am afraid to admit, that you probably feel like not wanting to go through the process of labouring. I understand the feeling. It’s too taxing, too delicate, too painful, too troublesome all in all.

Imagine, think about what you just said:  you want to study more, get a better job in an ideal work place. What's next? Get a nice house, a car, probably put up a business… which I’m estimating could take YEAAAAARS... like when you are in 30s and I am in 40s? Not putting the US in YOUR plans is simply saying not putting YOURSELF in US.

This is what I fear... you're misreading me. Like you, I'm not seeing myself with anybody else, ikaw lang.  My main (actually ONLY) concern is the time. I'd been stressing I'm not ready YET. Not YET. Not never.

30? 40? 50? 60? Probably, the day before we die?

I don't know. But can we just first live NOW and not think about it yet? Let us allow life to flow and pray hard for the right time and everything will set into its own places. Yun lang naman po. I just don’t want any pressure sa ating dalawa. I want us to seize what we have. Yun lang po. Yun lang muna. And everything will flow fluidly at the right time. We would know when we're ready. All we have to do is trust.

I don’t know. It seems you have things under control.

Not that. Nagdarasal lang ako.  I don't have any control. It’s [in] God's. I'm praying to Him. For US. Hayaan lang natin Siya. Please trust me and more importantly trust Him. I'm not trying to be oddly religious. Pero wala naman tayong aasahan na iba. Dasal lang at konting kapit pa, Mahal. Yun lang po. Ano pa bang hahanapin natin sa pagsasama natin? Nagagawa natin gusto natin. Nagkakasama tayo kahit kelan, kahit saan natin gustuhin. Okay naman tayong ganito. Why take the risk? Why gamble? Why not wait?

Opinyon mo yan. Wala akong magagawa. If its a risk, if its a gamble, so be it.

Please don't keep me feeling this way at this time of distress; when things are supposed to be being resolved with us together. Feeling ko iniiwan mo ko sa ere.

Feeling ko you are deciding on your own.

Last message received on 6/14 at 11:05 AM

      

   

The question

14 June Friday 

No, father, I will not marry. At least not yet. 

I racked my brain last night in search for answer to a question that my father suddenly popped out to my face.

“What’s you’re plan, you two?”

“Two, who?”   

 “You and Vien.”

 Shocked and abhorred I responded irately, “What plan?! No plan. I’m not planning anything. Do you want me to marry now?! I’m still schooling!”

“Not like that. But, you can’t be just like this.”

“This” meaning, going along, together, almost every time; sleeping over most weekends; travelling alone together— I know. I understand. We really can’t be just like this forever.

But really, I have no plan. None as yet. This, though, I and—I assume–Vien too, enjoy playing wed-couple most of the time—waking up at dawn, preparing each other’s lunch, bringing me to school or work, assisting each other’s family affairs, lending money from each other, buying (personal) things for each other or what not.

I could not understand my reaction. I went all cold and panicky. Irated, actually. I understand where my father is coming from. It is innate, at least to every regular father like mine, to care for and if possible secure a future for his child.   I am paranoid he was urged by my siblings to ask me that question;  that they could be talking among themselves about me and Vien and yes, more certainly, our sleepovers at home—because that’s what I do with them. But usually, it is I who would initiate such kind of conversation and they are not like me: judgmental, opinionated. And I suppose, there is no reason for them not to directly ask me. I am paranoid my father just want to get me off his skin so he could remarry without the last child’s backlash and peeves.  

 

I’m turning ONLY 23 this year. Vien’s turning 27. I’m too young. I’m not ready. I think.

This past week, I spent most of my hours reading, retooling for school. I’m planning to “move up” from schooling. I want to transfer to better school. Though I must admit my future plan is not well laid out. I’m not so sure yet with what to do with my life. Now here’s a bugling question that pressed on my rather vague vision of the future breakneck fast—pictures after pictures: I at home alone with Vien working. I, alone at home with baby belly. I, alone, all worn out, untidy in a shanty, waiting for Vien to be home, starving, unhappy, with a baby. Exaggerated as it is maybe, but I’d rather be over thinking than thoughtless.

Posterity is important, I know. But can I be allowed to live my NOW, first?

I want to study (MORE). I want to work in better workplace. I want to have better career, meet more people, go to places, earn more, have savings, among others. I want to live my life fast phase without needing to worry on matters like babies, diapers, rent, bills, laundry.  

  

Although I am happy with how things are going with me and Vien, I believe we are not at all steady— emotional, physical, financial, psychological and more importantly, spiritual.

I remember asking, in one of my note about my sister marrying at 30, this question: "why would anyone would want to swim in a rumbling sea, rather than stay at a stable pond?"

My life, as I would often believe, is stable, relatively comfortable. I'm having fun—free from all  responsibility that any wed-lady is up to face.  

I hope my belligerent response convinced my father that I have a plan. And it’s not marrying at 23.




* Same morning as i write this entry, i discuss with Vien 'the question'. His response? As expected.